The Seven Inches Test Their Mettle

by The Seven Inches

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1.
Elodie 04:21
I was so lonely, I needed someone close Like Elodie, like Elodie Someone so lovely, as warm as toast Like Elodie, like Elodie We were on the greyhound, heading for Alberta When I saw her across the aisle I wished I was a flirter I’m from England, she was from France Oh Elodie, oh Elodie We sat in silence, I was entranced With Elodie, with Elodie The rockies were amazing, the sun shone on the snow The pines were green the lakes were blue her eyes were so aglow We started talking but didn’t say “je t’aime” Oh Elodie, oh Elodie I hit Vancouver at five A.M. With Elodie, with Elodie Max the boy from Quebec was our friend and our translator We all went around Stanley Park and saw an alligator I saw the gallery, I saw the steam clock With Elodie, with Elodie I saw the gardens and all the Chinese shops With Elodie, with Elodie I finally told her how I felt, in French just like I planned it Her reply sounded so beautiful but I couldn’t understand it She had a boyfriend, so she was out of reach Oh Elodie, oh Elodie  I sat and night-time round a bonfire on the beach With Elodie, with Elodie We snuggled in a tent for warmth I wanted just to hold her She seemed more huggable and warm the more the night got colder When we parted, she gave me a diary Oh Elodie, oh Elodie We got drunk on ale and daiquaris Oh Elodie, oh Elodie I wondered if I‘d ever see her in some other city If the spell would still be there or if she’d still be as pretty Her eyes were soulful, her smile was like a beam Oh Elodie, oh Elodie The whole week was like a fever dream Oh Elodie, oh Elodie Next time I saw her was in Paris Oh Elodie, oh Elodie She was single, I was embarrassed Oh Elodie, oh Elodie I wonder what depths I’d find if I could know her better But French still gives me headaches even writing just one letter
2.
I've got every advantage in upbringing and health Sometimes I even envy myself But I'm still somehow two cards short of a deck Everything I touch ends up lost or wrecked But maybe you're new hope for me An upturn in the slope for me A rose-tinted telescope for me Totally full of rock n roll like Newcastle is full of coal Maybe you're my hideaway Maybe national cider day Maybe Cole Porter's “Night and Day” Well you can see that I'm a nut who's totally devoted- but I'm such a klutz- I always screw up I'm such a klutz- I run amuck I'm such a klutz- everyone duck I really hope you're looking for the clumsiest schmuck Maybe you're my roaring stove Maybe you're my olive grove Maybe my rugged rocky cove In my heart of heart of hearts, the beating's gone right off the chart Maybe it's no accident Our match rating's at maximum Except that you like saxophones But before we start rejoicing there's one doubt I must be voicing: That: I'm such a klutz- I always screw up I'm such a klutz- I run amuck I'm such a klutz- everyone duck I really hope you're looking for the clumsiest schmuck
3.
Oh, oh, what's the matter Oh, oh, what's the matter Everything breaks Everything breaks like my tape recorder like my tape recorder I've lost the means To make demo tapes But here comes Mr know-it-all Saying to be stoical Smell roses more “Maybe it's A blessing that's in disguise Listen to the testament of the wise It's good you can't record your stuff yet You know it doesn't sound good enough yet Maybe it's A blessing that's in disguise Benediction in affliction's guise When you get to record your nuggets They'll be more likely to cut it” But everything's breaking Yes everything's breaking My freezer door Just will not close And all that was in it In store for my dinner Has come unfroze Has come unfroze My stereo has croaked My boiler's up in smoke My vacuum choked “Maybe it's A blessing that's in disguise You'll eat more fresh food and fewer pies Instead of messing 'round on the internet You could read Gabriel Garcia Marquez Maybe it's A blessing that's in disguise Cut off from your musical supplies You'll be forced to learn accordion Gain the band a whole new audience” I hear it, the motion you propose Silver linings in my tattered clothes But there's one misfortune I suppose is Unquellable by smelling roses The girl I love more than the sea Has decided not to be with me She's left me in abject misery Oh woe is me “Maybe it's-” STOP! Don't tell me It's a blessing disguised as a curse 'Cause you know sometimes the more things go bad The more they actually get worse! Maybe it's A curse disguised as a blessing Disguised as a curse Double bluffing Maybe the silver lining is just tin The famous roses are paper and thin Maybe it's A wolf dressed in wolf's clothes An ill wild just blowing its nose Every cloud has a silver razorblade Life gives me lemons but no aid
4.
Oh how I long to sail away now How I long to sail away To a beautiful beach Far out of reach Of vagabonds and vandals A drink in my hand and the silvery sand Sliding through my sandals Oh how I long to sail away now How I long to sail away To a sunrise somewhere My face in your hair Smelling your sun lotion To jump into seas That don’t make me freeze The warmest in the ocean Everyone knows that the sun never sets On dreamers and lovers with travellers' cheques So come my dearest darling and sail away with me
5.
Everything's Sex You say  I'm so repressed  That "apart from drugs and cigarettes  There's really nothing more to life than sex!  every book mankind's churned out,  It's what every sentence is really about"  But if that's the way  That you feel  Then I say  How come you're so surprised  When you get so depressed?  Is it any wonder you're depressed? If everything has a subtext  On the subject by which we're all possessed  'cause there's really nothing more to life than sex!  The bombing of  Third world nations  Is all about sexual frustration And when lives get wrecked?  Well, that's just a side-effect  Then how come you're so surprised  When you get so depressed?  Is it any wonder you're depressed? If the bed is not for rest  And apart the birth  That comes from it and death  There's really nothing more to life than sex!  If shagging is  Our only mission,  And love is Just a euphemism,  And political action Is just a dull distraction,  How come you're so surprised  When you get so depressed?  Is it any wonder you're depressed?
6.
Sunny days are over Sunny days are over It was so warm It was so warm My left knee is shaking That big cloud is breaking Now there's a storm Now there's a storm Winter has come Clouds burst like bombs We're pelted with such rain Waking up to real pain One love has failed Lost in the gale One day I'll get to start again I should have foreseen this attack Should have brought an anorak My soaking vest Clings to my chest Now I'm hanging on the mast Ship is flying in the blast How i capsize Spray in my eyes Feeling so ill Beaten ten-nil But i'd hate to always win Then i'd never feel a thing Joy cannot be Without misery I can't let myself give in Maybe there's a reason Happiness has seasons Like weathervanes Waxes and wanes The romance that just turned sour Had the lifespan of a flower Came in the Spring Gone with the wind It's all a storm It won't last long Though it thunders with such force I must try to keep my course Don't let me sink Don't let me think Of never getting out of this Here comes the storm Here comes the storm
7.
There's not a moment to waste There's not a moment to lose Let's get going baby It's a white-knuckle chase Not a luxury cruise Can't be slowing baby Everyone wants you to flop Because they want your job The best job in the world today The best job in the world today Guess it must be the best to be worth this stress The best job in the world today The best job in the world today Guess it must be the peak judging by your shriek There's not a moment to waste There's not a moment to lose We gotta make time baby If we're not making haste I'll be blowing a fuse No more break time baby Your pension depends upon you And mine does too The best job in the world today The best job in the world today Guess it must be the best to be worth this stress The best job in the world today The best job in the world today Guess it must be the peak judging by your shriek You know you gotta hang on tight You know you gotta do it right You know you gotta hang in tough You know you gotta do your stuff There's not a moment to waste There's not a moment to lose Get a move on dear If we slacken our pace We'll be yesterday's news With a souvenir Of The best job in the world today The best job in the world today Guess it must be the best to be worth this stress The best job in the world today The best job in the world today Guess it must be the peak judging by your shriek The best job in the world today The best job in the world today Guess this must be the summit, am I ready to plummet? The best job in the world today The best job in the world today That's it, I quit!
8.
Happiness 04:00
I live in peacetime, I've money enough The shop I work in sells really nice stuff I love cooking while listening to songs Nobody hurts me, nothing goes wrong I love to eat and walk and think and drink and breathe and talk I love to dance and sing and paint and draw and everything When I'm lonely, my friends cheer me up they make me happy, run over my cup The only sadness that seems to stay Is I can't take their sadness away Oh I could try but I confess I don't know how to do it best oh no, oh yes I want to spread my happiness oh no, oh yes I want to spread my happiness the friends I live with are the best I've ever had it's not fair that I'm happy when they're sad I know the records that take my cares away would just annoy you 'cos I play them every day Oh how I'd jump and scream and shout if that could help to share it out, but oh no, oh yes I want to spread my happiness oh no, oh yes I want to spread my happiness I don't know what to make you for your tea I'm still in search for the perfect recipe I feel so happy, I feel so blessed But I can't share my happiness I wish that I could make you feel The way you always make me feel, but oh no, oh yes I want to spread my happiness oh no, oh yes I want to spread my happiness oh no, oh yes I want to spread my happiness oh no, oh yes I want to spread my happiness
9.
She: Hello Mister I don't love you I like you though But stop pestering me Stop pestering me 'Cause that's as far it goes You may say I'm being harsh But it's harsh to be fair It's fair to tell you now You'll get nowhere If you can't be satisfied as my best friend Then you'd better get prepared for the end. Hey now mister I don't love you As I told you before So stop pestering me Stop pestering me Or I won't like you no more You may say I'm being cruel But it's cruel to be kind It's fair to tell you now I won't change my mind If you can't be satisfied as a confidant You'd better be prepared for not getting what you want He: How could i leave it at that When my love is true and strong And when I fall in love It only happens once Would Lochinvar or Don Quixote Give up so easily? I have to strive forever To win your love with poetry She: Hey now Mister I don't want you To take this the wrong way But stop pestering me Stop pestering me I wish you'd go away You're starting to obliterate our easy rapport You're making me uncomfortable and being a bore It's almost like talking to a big brick wall Perhaps I'd say it better by saying nothing at all to you
10.
Bad Genes 03:51
Doc! Give me bad genes I could have been infertile or blind Hard of hearing with an unstable mind I could have had a withered arm and a limp I could have had the social nous of a chimp But I'm almost perfect Not to mention being straight and Caucasian The geneticists made sure of that Though my grandpa was a homo and Asian Doc! Give me bad genes I could have been asthmatic, autistic A sulk, a stammerer or someone sadistic And though I'm glad that these things don't all afflict me One or two of them wouldn't have killed me But I'm almost perfect i really find it hard to relate To ordinary mortals Who hurt and ache and tremble and hate Half my genes were just ones my parents chose From a catalogue of spare embryos And now I'm smart and strong and healthy and tall In fact I'm not much like my parents at all In fact I'm almost perfect Isn't technology ace? Unfortunately I can't stand Being part of the new master race
11.
I just heard the news You finally got together You are such a perfect match You've both caught the perfect catch Wish you happiness forever Now the rumours are confirmed I can't wait to take a picture Of you kissing in the corner At a party in the summer Now that you're a fixture And we are so happy for you We are so happy for you We are so happy for you We are so happy for you I just heard the news You're no longer together Oh, accept my sympathy Guess it wasn't meant to be Guess it couldn't last for ever But I know you're strong You'll soon be back and thriving To be perfectly honest I didn't think it had promise I couldn't see your love surviving And the same applies to us Your breakup was strongly mooted It was hard to comprehend That you two were even friends We didn't think you were well suited And we knew he wasn't for you We knew he wasn't for you We knew he wasn't for you (oh what a moron) We knew he wasn't for you Let me commiserate But your ex had some annoying traits Let me corroborate All the things you found to hate I thought from your first date What a clueless reprobate Your new love, just you wait Will be your love so great I just heard the news You got back together Oh we always knew you would You were on to something good Wish you happiness for ever
12.
Once we're out of the way Once we're out of the way Earth ought to be OK Ecosystems remade If not there's all those other planets anyway So why so distressed About annihilation? Earth probably needs a rest It's been oh so patient Once we're out of the way For such will happen come what may Earth will keep spinning on. Till entropy means its day is done So why your dismay? Recall tyrannosaurus He, too, once held sway Now we're dinosaurless The universe is so wide And we're not the stars of the show We've had our fun, well, some of us did But one day we'll have to go I know we're hard-wired to try To survive, thrive, procreate And forge a decent world for our descendants But we're not doing great Once we're out of the way Let the hummingbird play Let the ape have its day Are we so important anyway?
13.
A New Friend 03:07
I still get excited When quite uninvited A new friend falls in my world If I had more horse sense I wouldn't want more friends But I still like to be twirled By a like-minded person new to me who takes the opportunity to say “well met” Make one friend and then befriend all of her friends until you've got the entire court card set Some collect rare stamps Or novelty hairclamps But I collect people to know Keeping my old friends While seeking untold friends And trying not to make any foes Yes and this new friend may lead to more new friends and then perhaps at last a paramour 'Cause friendships are great for their own sake but better yet If they lead to romance once more As I've intimated I still feel elated When a new friend plays a new part Not just anyone, mind Not anyone unkind But you and I clicked from the start (Spare verse: Some collect Dandys Or ore from the Andes Or players for their sticker-book team The players that I hoard Are people who high-scored In clicking with me like a dream)

credits

released May 13, 2016

Recorded and Mixed by Ross Halden at Ghost Town, Leeds
Mastered by Tom Woodhead at Hippocratic

Emil Andrews – Trumpet
Emily Clavering-Lee – Vocals and keyboards
Ian Cockburn – Vocals
Shaun Day – Guitar
Bryn Hans – Drums
Tim Ireland – Bass
Owen Radford-Lloyd – Guitar

All songs by the Seven Inches (lyrics by Ian)
Other instruments were played by members of the cast.
Backing vocals by the group and (on track 11) Sarah Bayles, Sue Collier, Peter Hudspith, Emma Parker and Ian Pepper.

Thanks to former members Lucy Canter, Emily Jane Graves, Rachael Rix-Moore, Nigel Townshend, and especially Alice Hubley who wrote the music for “Here Comes the Storm” and some other contributions to the older songs we dusted off for this album. Thanks also to Mark Sturdy, Rosie Parsons, Hazel Smoczynska and all all our families and loved ones.

Art by Ian, photos by Rosie Parsons

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The Seven Inches Leeds, UK

The Seven Inches have long been heroes amongst Leeds’ indiepop and DIY scenes, winning hearts everywhere with their bizarre onstage props, trumpets, synths and cardboard keytars. If this makes them sound like some self-conscious novelty act, rest assured that nothing could be further from the truth – The Seven Inches play it from the heart every time. ... more

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